Sex

Do you recall the line Dr. Alfred Kinsey, the pioneer researcher of human sexual behavior, said in the movie, "Kinsey (2004)?"

He said, "Everyone wants to be the same. That is the problem."

Sex is a taboo topic, but it is a part of our life. In fact it is one of the our basic needs like sleep and foods.

Many people want to believe that they are having a normal sexual life like "other people."

How are you going to talk about it, and to whom, and why does it become your problem?



In a text book, Dr. Olson summarized the top five sexual issues for married couples.


1. Dissatisfaction with the amount of affection from on partner
2. Difficulty keeping the sexual relationship interesting
3. The sexual relationship is not satisfying
4. Dissatisfaction with the level of openness in discussing sexual topics.
5. Reluctance to be affectionate because partner may interpret it as a sexual advance.
(from "Marriages & Families: Intimacy, Diversity, and strengths(2006) by David Olson and John Defrain")

Is it more to do with communication?

OK, here is communication 101. In order for us to communicate, we need at least more than one person. In order for us to experience problems, another person has to react to the message the other sent verbally or non-verbally.

Did you get that? You cannot experience a problem on your own without responding to messages other people sent.

OK take a close look at Dr. Olson's top five sexual issues.

1. Dissatisfaction with the amount of affection from one's partner. ---Communication problems?

2. Difficulty keeping sexual relationship interesting. ----Communication problems?

3. The sexual relationship is not satisfying ----Communication problems?

4. Dissatisfaction with the level of openness in discussing sexual topics. ----Communication problems?

5. Reluctance to be affectionate because partner may interpret it as a sexual advance. ----Communication problems?

Are they all something to do with communication?

Why is it so hard for even married couples to talk about sex?

Dr. Schnarch who is a well-known sex therapist has a very interesting opinion about sex and relationships.

Dr. Schnarch talks about our levels of emotional maturity and relationships. Many people unconsciously believe, "My partner should know what I want if s/he loves me." This is an infantile wish, and causes relationship problems including sexual problems.

Dr. Schnarch encourages adult couples to examine themselves, not looking at the other partners and wishing that their partners would take care of their wishes. It requires us to grow up.

It is harder done than said, because one's attachment styles to their partners are most likely affected by their attachment styles to their parents. What kind of relationships did you have your parents? Is there any unfinished business between you and your parents? Is there any infantile wishes that were not fulfilled by your parents? Are you trying to get the wishes from your partner? What is your sour spot?

The first step is to examine your tendency to communicate with your partner.

Is it a childish request driven by your emotion?

Did you put your partner first, or you put yourself first in your relationship?



Dr. Schnarrch's sex book



Notice: This is not a replacement for therapy to treat your sexual problems. Some sexual problems are closely related to your physical health. You should always consult with your physician first.