NOTICE: St. Cloud office was closed effective June 1st, 2019 due to a move.
Miho Adkins now works at Birch Lake Counseling in Hackensack, MN. Please call at 218-675-5101 to schedule an appointment with Miho. Miho provides online counseling as well.
Four County Crisis Response Team (320-253-5555 or 1800-635-8008) for Stearns, Benton, Sherburne, or Wright Counties.
Marriage tips to get closer to your partner and have a peaceful and fulfilling marriage.
The more I provide marriage counseling, the more frequently I think, “This couple does not clearly say what they want.” Most of the time my goal is to help my clients say what they mean! It sounds so simple but seems to be so difficult. Why is it so difficult to say:
These are very simple sentences, but in most of the cases the conversations that the couples have do not turn out that way. It sounds more like,
Whenever, I heard the accusation type of conversation from couples, we stop them and ask;
"So, what you are saying is that you want to spend more time with your partner,"
"So, what you are saying is that you appreciate your partner if they wash dishes for you.”
After I help them state their real wishes, the couples usually start talking about their real wishes and the reasons why they like it. This opens up more warm conversations and invites their partners to be empathetic. Sometimes their partners are surprised that was what other partners wanted.
It means the couples did not fully know what their partners’ real wishes were. They were hoping that their partners will read their mind and do what they wanted. It sounds very funny, but many people behave that way. It is deeply related to how you grew up. We assume that the ways we handle things are the ways others do also. The ways you expressed love, communicated to your partner, and disciplined your child are unique. It may have been different from your partner. Unless you openly talk about what you need and want, your partner will never ever fully understand what you need and want.
A most common comment that we usually hear from couples that we worked with is “we understand more about each other.” It does not matter whether they have known each other for a year, or more than 10 years, they cherish the new discovery and enjoy the new phase of the deep connected relationship.
So starting from today, state what you want clearly. It may be hard in the beginning. You may sound like you are complaining or accusing your partner. If it sounds like complaining or blaming, stop. You are not doing right. Look at the first examples, and how it was worded. Just stay clearly what you want. The more you practice, the better you get. It becomes a habit. Practice, practice, and practice.
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